Publisher’s gift collection

I have just calmed down enough to blog about this. A collection was taken up for the Publisher’s Christmas gift. I am fine with this; they do it every year for both Christmas and his birthday in October. What I am not fine with is a donation being a requirement. If I want to contribute to a large gift, it is great that I can. If I want to get him chocolate on my own, that should be fine. If I want to ignore his birthday, I should be allowed.

The birthday collection was slowed because the Powers That Be needed to wait until Editorial was paid. OMG! You are not only bullying these poor writers into contributing, but they are also so under paid that they cannot afford to toss in $10 until after pay day.

I surmised during these mandatory collections that a list was being kept. A list of who contributed, and how much. I think this is illegal, not positive, but pretty sure. My suspicions about a list were confirmed last October when I was approached and asked to contribute more, because the contributions were not covering the cost of the gift that was already purchased. I am not even going to address the fact that they bought a gift before they knew what the contributions were.

This pissed me off, therefore I did what any true non-confrontational employee would do; I neglected to contribute this Christmas. I was round-about-asked about it a good 15 times. I refused to budge. I give enough to this office! Just last month I paid for a birthday breakfast celebration for the entire office (with required attendance, I might add). I was not reimbursed for this.

Oh, and there is a kicker, it should have put me over this edge 11 months ago. The gift we all contributed to for the Publisher last Christmas was a poker table, that is still at the office, that the Specialty Projects Manger (better known as Kiss Ass) hosts a party for his buddies at each Thursday night, men only. I am so glad I learned to invest my hard earned dollars wisely!

2008 Totaled

This morning the Mentor and I turned in our final numbers for 2008. Between Advertising, Classifieds, Legals, and Special Publications, the company brought in over $5.7 million in 2008. $5.7 million!!! For a company of less then 40 employees!!! We are Rock Stars!

Instead of the expected “pat on the back,” we got the typical “that is not good enough” speech. We were told we still need an additional $70000 collected by the end of the year. Today is December 22nd, that is not really a possibility.

I have done the math; I have no idea where that $5.7 million could have gone, or what we could need an additional $70000 for. The Publisher has no expenses; Editorial barely makes peanuts, same with Special Publications and Production, our offices are in the most run-down parts of town, we have wicked good contracts with our printer, and our technology has only aspirations of being from this century and thus compatible with the rest of the world.

Half of the company was purchased a year and a half ago. That is where I came from. We were profitable then. Sense the purchase over $1 million has been cut in salary alone, and retail sales have increased by over 25%. Have I mentioned I have done the math?

Oh… I just figured it out! I had forgotten about a few things. The money is going to legal bills, payoffs, and spousal support. It seems like more thought would be going to covering your ass if these were the majority of your expenses. But, Publisher knows best, so I will keep it to myself.

Let me get this straight, you want to pay?

We are in the midst of “reader appreciation”. It is a blitz to increase our paid subscribers by offering a discounted rate. The Receptionist manages the subscriptions.

I was standing next to her desk last Friday when she got a phone call to renew a subscription under this limited time rate. When the Receptionist looked up the account she realized they had not paid since 2003, but they were still receiving a paper every week. Who manages subscriptions? So… whose fault is that “Miss I Manage All Subscriptions And Do Not Want Anyone Meddling In My Work”?

In true community newspaper style, the Receptionist copped an attitude. She was actually irritated at this subscriber because they wanted to PAY for their subscription! Not to beat a dead horse, but POT OF MONEY! With the economy in the shape that it is, should we not be trying to make money wherever we can, instead of giving everything away for free? I know this is a hard concept for many people, but we do live in a capitalist society, at least until January 21st.

Relevant Productivity

In my last post I mentioned a faxing project that our Assistants were working on. I have to say, they were incredibly productive. They managed to fax a promotion flier to every chamber member, in record time. The problem is, this incredible productivity has not led to one sale.
So… I propose… let us not aim for productivity alone; let us aim for relevant productivity.

Lets do a mass faxing!

Sales are a little slow at the moment, being as the economy has come to a screeching halt in the last month or so. The GM had a great idea of how to generate sales leads, “Lets do a mass faxing out of the chamber directory!” When I finally stopped laughing, I realized she was serious.

The Mentor and our Assistants are coming in an extra 2 days this week. They have already been assigned the relentless, unproductive, and time consuming task of flipping through the 80-page directory, personalizing a cover sheet for each member, and then faxing it off with a promotion flier. As if we already did not look unprofessional enough.

We have been forced into these ridiculous types of projects before. And guess what? THEY NEVER WORK! They just waste time, and we look stupid for thinking they do work. It is quite embarrassing. But there is one pro to this massive con; the Assistants are getting paid for extra hours. In these times of cutting costs, we, once again, are spending.

Hiding from collectors

I have to preface this by saying: this really happened, in this order, on this time scale. This happened about three weeks ago, take note of the date of this post.

The sales staff was having a receivables meeting. The GM goes off, “Why are these receivables so bad? People need to pay us. I do not understand why they think it is OK to use someone’s services when they do not have the money to pay for them. Bills should always come first!”

At the end of the meeting, literally as we were finishing up; the Mentor’s phone rings, she ignores it, my phone rings, I ignore it, the Assistant’s phone rings, ignore. The Mentor’s phone rings again, she gives in. “Hello?”

The Receptionist says, “Tell the GM, the Landlord is holding for her.”

The Mentor tells the GM. “Oh!” The GM scurries for a phone, calls the CFO, gets the scoop, regains her composure, and finally answers the Landlord’s call.

“Hi!” the voice is so sickenly sweat I get a massive sugar high just from being in the same room with it. It made me nauseous, if the call had not caused so much curiosity I would have made a quick trip to the little girl’s room to vanquish my breakfast. “We are sending a partial payment today for July’s rent, the second check will go out soon, to cover August’s rent and the taxes. Totaling $14000.”

OMG!!! You just got done throwing a fit, asking why people put off paying $500 bills, and we are $14000 behind in our rent! OMG! It does not get more ironical then that. Emmy winning sitcoms have had worse timing.

And another OMG: why is 2 months rent that high, and why are we paying the property taxes? Only 20 people work here! Maybe if our rent was not so astronomical we could make things a little looser around here. Maybe if our rent was not so high we could have computers that were built in this century. Oh, and why are we paying that much rent for a building in this area? Since I have been in this office we have been evacuated twice, on lock down once, a high-speed chase ended in our parking lot, and we were robbed!!! Why do you think this space is worth $14000 per year? Not to mention for 2 months!

When I mention the irony to the Mentor she looks at me like I am insane for noticing something so insignificant. Does anyone know how to apply for a job with the IRS?

IRS, here I come!

I had one of those personality tests emailed to me the other day. It was based on color preference. I know, why did no one think of that before?

I decided to take a few minutes to take the test. Just a few minutes wasted out of a day filled with scavenging for work.

“Which color do you prefer to look at, green or blue? Which color do you least prefer, orange or purple? Rate these colors in order of least to most preferred.” It had to have been the most intense and scientific test I have ever taken.

At the end of these questions I felt worn, I really put a ton of thought into my answers. My personality profile pops up; you are an Organizer.

The work environment I prefer is a large organization, with lots of structure. I look around my office; I notice the computers, printer, fax machine, all from the turn of the century. I notice the makeshift cubes we have assembled. I glance at the incredibly non-professional website we have held together with gauze and duck-tape. I think of the other employees in the office, I have already said “Hi” to 100% of them today, all 20 employees. I am in the wrong job!!!

What industries suit an Organizer? The Finance industry. Has anyone else noticed that industry has taken a bit of a downturn in the last couple weeks? Oh, good, there is another choice! I could work for the IRS! It said the IRS, specifically.

We all know the IRS is going to be doing some massive growing in the next 4 years. Thanks to the new President, I will have my dream job! His ads didn't lie. There really are unicorns riding on rainbows, and chocolate rain falling from the sky. NOT!

Whine whine whine, why do you seem cranky?

The Mentor has developed a horrible habit. She meanders into the office around 9:30 in the morning, then promptly begins to whine… and I am never sure if she is whining to me or herself.

“Mumble, mumble, mumble” in a cranky voice.
“I can’t hear you, are you talking to me?” I ask.
“Mumble, mumble, mumble.”
“What?”
“Mumble, I am just talking to myself. Have you seen that email?”
“What email?”
Silence.

“Stuff really seems to be hitting the fan around here.” She begins again.
“Like what?” I ask again.
Silence.

“Is this printer jammed?” Smack, slam, crash. In a whining voice, “Party Planner,” (he takes care of all of our IT problems plus plans all of our social gatherings.) “Will you fix this? I cannot get anything done, all I have done all day is fix things,” she snaps.
“Like what?” I ask again

“Well, Production has still not done their job. I am still waiting on blah, blah, blah...”

I lost track of what she was saying, I think I may have fallen asleep.

“Do you need to look at this before I tell Production it is ‘OK to print’?” I ask, trying to change the subject to something a little more productive.

“Does Production not know how to dummy?” she responds after thumbing through the pages.

“I didn't think it looked that bad.”

The Mentor replies to my glass half full remark, “What is wrong with you today? You seem awfully cranky.”

The New Pres.

So… Election Day was like a week ago, right? Then why will no one in my office shut up about it? Luckily, my cube is up-stairs; this means there are less people to annoy me. Only 3 out of 20 people are in close enough proximity to drive me nuts on a continues minute to minute basis. But I have to say, those 15%’ers are doing a hell of a job!

I would be fine with their incoherent, inconsistent, and uninformed opinions, if there was ever a break between them. But today alone they have all chattered on like retarded chipmunks for over two hours straight!

Instead of loudly wasting time talking about this stuff, why don’t they quietly hop on the internet and chat about this stuff?! Then I would not have to hear them, nor would the GM. (who should care that they never shut up, and therefore never work)

These are the same people that freak out when you interrupt them during their constant phone call to their Realtor, to give them work to do. They are so busy: making car pool arrangements, talking to the Realtor, to the Contractor, to their kids and wife, and everyone else in the room. “How could I possibly build you an ad when I have all of these other things to do?”

I long for the days when all they talked about was the price of gold and illegal immigration.

Running Interference

I was completely embarrassed the other day. I had been trying to get a hold of a specific client for about of week. I am notorious for phone tag, so I have learned to become diligent about calling again, and again, and again. I usually do not take offense if I do not get a call back, I figure they just missed me and decided not to leave a message. I know, do I not have the most optimistic outlook of anyone you know?! This is one of the many “skills” that make me such a rock star at sales.

I finally get a hold of this client, and gave him a little ration about not calling me back. He responds by telling me he refuses to call my office anymore because he can never just leave me a message, he has to talk with the Troll (I wish I could take credit for the GM’s nickname, but that is where it came from). He then proceeds to explain to me how much he cannot stand the GM, and that when he calls the front desk and asks for me, he is interrogated by the Receptionist, and then promptly transferred to the GM! OMG! He then goes on to tell me that when no one answers the main number, there is no way to choose an extension, you get a generic mailbox; that belongs to, you guessed it... the GM! I know, OMG!

I complimented his nickname for the GM, and then we agreed to always communicate via email.

Is this management?

Much like a typical office we have a Receptionist. And much like a typical office she is wickedly moody. Unlike a typical office, that moodiness is tolerated. Wait, tolerated in not the correct word. Accepted, ignored, and tiptoed around is.

I had a billing issue the other day and guess who takes care of billing issues? I could not understand how an issue could possibly come up; I had done everything for this account except personally inputting the data into the system. I had even spoken with the Receptionist to ensure there was no confusion.

Apparently she billed the account twice for the same thing, which is fine, mistakes happen. The problem I have is she called me and asked me what was wrong with the account. Being that I do not have access to the accounting system I reply in true corporate mediocrity, “I don’t know.” She goes straight to the GM to ask her. The GM promptly logs onto the accounting system, and after 2.5 hours discovers the mistake. The mistake is blatantly the Receptionist’s fault.

The GM, being completely cowed by the Receptionist’s moodiness, blames the problem on me. So, the Receptionist has no idea she made a mistake, making it ridiculously more likely that she will make the mistake in the future. Oh, and she thinks I am the mistake maker, and I do not make mistakes.

This happens again and again. We cannot ever tell her there was an issue. Instead we stealthily sneak around behind her back redoing all of her work. This is just one of the many ways our management ensures the highest productivity and employee growth.

Generalizations are the Mother of Wisdom

I had to the leave the office for lunch the other day. Usually, I sit at my desk and frantically eat while checking email, in hopes that I will not feel as guilty leaving early, since I “worked over lunch”.

My brain was melting after the horrific conversation I had had with the GM. By conversation I mean her spewing useless information at me, and then watching her eyes glaze over during my replies, until a sentence and a half later when she could no longer stand my voice and interrupts me to spew more irrelevant crap. We were rehashing the same issue, who’s account is who’s? We have “Rules of Engagement” but our authorities feel it is more “fair” to access each situation independently. It has become a HUGE problem. I take issue with this approach, I think it is a waste of time; there are rules for a reason.

While frantically eating in the parking lot of the fast food restaurant, I listen to Dennis Prager (a kick’n radio show host who discusses everything from religion, to gender to politics). The show I happen to podcast that day was talking about generalizations. Prager was saying something to the effect of, ‘The difference between humans and animals is simple, humans have a mind and animals have a brain, humans make generalizations and animals respond to specific events.’

The corporate world really is the animal world.

The New Guy

At 5:04 the night before, the GM informed us we were going to have a morning sales meeting the next day. I responded saying I had an appointment at 10:30, so we needed to make sure to wrap up on time. We actually wrapped up at 10am because one of the Classified Reps had an appointment as well. As I walked upstairs to gather myself for my appointment, the Classified Rep and her client caught me. I shuddered. I knew I should have belly-crawled around the back way to avoid being taken captive.

“This is your Ad Rep,” she said. “She will be joining us.”

“I actually have a 10:30 already scheduled this morning, let me get your contact info and we can set something up.”

“I scheduled this meeting through your GM. I was told you would be available,” said the client.

Great. the GM had scheduled me to be in 2 meetings when I had already told her I would be out. This is of course ridiculous, but fixable, if you are told about the meetings. I, of course, was only told about one. They like to keep me on my toes, and by toes I mean stumbling around in complete darkness.

The client cheerfully responded, “I have $4000 a month to spend, and I want you two to fight over it.”
“We have a mud pit in the back, but it’s a bit too cold to use today,” I shot back. That actually slipped out!

“We do not like to fight over accounts, we prefer to place ads where they will get the best response.” He agreed to reschedule.
Ironically, my 10:30 canceled. As I started to head back downstairs to meet with this new client, the Mentor walked in, with a client of hers in tow.

“We had to come up here because that client of the Classified Rep’s is being belligerent, and we were told to move up here.”
I then think better of walking into that lion’s den, and sit in on the Mentor’s meeting. A few minutes later the GM waddles upstairs and tells everyone individually about this new client, and what a jerk he is. After hearing the story 7 times she asks to meet with me to discuss him, because he will be my account. Score one for me!

She tells me word for word everything I had already overheard, and nothing more. Nothing important was shared, not the ad size, start date, budget, company name, nothing. Oh, except 2 things:
-She scheduled a meeting with him for me. I think to myself “At least she told me this time.”
-He is very interested in the school publications (the newsletters for the local school districts). I ask “Why?”

“Because they are a great target market.”

“But they are not a great target market for that type of company.” (He does stamped concrete!)

“But he is very interested in the huge distribution.”

At this point I drop it. The GM has a tendency to think all clients are a great fit for the school publications. I know one day I will walk by her office and hear her say, “The school publications are a great fit for you, Mr. Adult Book Store Owner.”
For the next 2 days the new client is the talk of the office. When I finally meet with him, it goes smoothly, no fights, he loves his spec ads, he loves me. The only flag that goes up… “Does that include my 20% discount?”

“What 20% discount?”

“The GM said I could have 20% off if I prepaid.”

The buy he was doing -the only buy he was ever interested in- was a buy for our papers plus 3 other newspaper groups. This means he was getting rock bottom rates and there was no room to take 20% off.

I try to cover up my shock and awe.

“Oh, that’s right.” I honor the rate as I have no choice. The promise was made by the GM, and I was left out of the loop again. The worst part of this discount was that he would have paid full price, without thinking twice. But now I have to lie to the other sites, fudge paper work, and take less of a commission. (Have I mentioned in the past that the GM has a tendency to give away our Pot of Money?)

When the GM called the other sites, she threw me under the bus. “It was the only way she could get the sale closed,” she explained.

I gave the new client my cell number, and asked him to always call me on it. The little troll’s fingers need to be kept out of my accounts. He agreed.

Placement

I am sure you have noticed it’s election season (haven’t we all?). I have definitely noticed; I work at a horribly run community newspaper. In this business we have to be careful; we have to follow the rules. We cannot talk to anyone about candidates’ rates, or campaigns. We cannot offer different rates to different candidates, or campaigns, etc. etc. In a nutshell, we cannot discriminate. But, as I found out last week, apparently we can give better placement to initiatives we would like to see win ("we" being my boss).

I placed an ad opposing an initiative for a new school tax. They paid full price and they pre-paid, that’s all I could ask. I also placed an ad in support of the same school tax. In true community newspapers sleazy-ness, the GM told me to give the support ad a better price and better placement. That seems indiscriminate and fair, don’t you think?

Why Do Some Professionals Need So Much Moral Support?

It was 3pm on a beautiful fall Friday, 75 degrees, no wind. The leaves were changing color. All was calm and right with the world. I had had a very productive week; I had increased my sales for the month by over 25% in four days. I took it upon myself to pat my own back, because I do not receive any “job well done pats” at the office.

I was lining up my first shot off the tee box. I felt good, calm, fluid. This was going to be a great game. I reach the top of my back swing, my phone rings. I ignore it, it rings again, I answer.

It was the GM, “Huff, I need you to help me, send the new, hold on, the phone is ringing, rate card to the other office right now, hack hack. I am swamped. I have so much to do (she rattled off a long list of things I did not listen to because they were not important). I am here all by wheeze hack sniff, myself.” (If you think her dialogue is hard to read, imagine listening to her.)

“The rates have not changed, just the layout of the card. Have the other office use the old rate card for the rest of the day.”

“They hack need it now, hack, cough.”

“OK.”

When I call the other office, and tell them to download it from the website, they were shocked to hear from me. They needed the rate card “at some point”, not this afternoon.

This had happened earlier in the week to, major interruptions for minor “problems.” I dared to be out on sales calls while The GM just wanted someone there. There was nothing I could help her with at the office. She just wanted me there, for moral support.

I tee back up. My zen is gone. I will not share my score.

I can only hold your hand so much!

I have a little saying… “I can only hold your hand so much.” I probably say it too often, but people need to hear it. Almost every person I talk to while I am on the clock needs to hear it; new advertisers, seasoned advertisers, large businesses, small businesses, Production, The GM, etc. It seems like no one can make any type of decision, let alone do their job. If its like this everywhere, I really do not understand how the country continues to run.

I was in a meeting with a client the other day, and I got him to make a decision. I know, this was huge. We had everything figured out; I was taking care of ALL of it. All he needed to do was send me the menu for the ad (he runs a restaurant). I know what you are thinking, “Man, she asks a lot from her clients”. But I had to; I could not just make up what they were serving (actually, I may try that next time).

The menu kept not coming, no matter how much “hand holding” I did. I called, I emailed, I stopped in. Finally, it was too late, the paper actually printed; the ad could not run because the advertiser did not tell us what to say.

The advertiser was SO pissed that his ad did not run. No joke. He was actually upset.

At this point he sent the menu, we were going to try for the next week. I handed the layout to Production, with major detail; I had done everything except build the ad. Of course production was miffed. I have never heard so many questions, or seen someone so confused.

That is when I lost it. “What more do you want? I cannot do your job for you, if I could, I would, because it would be faster. I can only hold your hand so much.”

These sorts of outbursts might be why Production is so gun shy.

New Account!?

I scored a rock’n awesome account last week. It was handed to me in shambles, but the point is that it is mine! I had been cultivating this fabulous account for two years, TWO YEARS! I had been the Bestest of Reps (I capitalized this on purpose, I will be referring to myself as “The Bestest of Reps” from now on), a Publisher could ever have asked for. I had a great idea for a client, and I pursued them, and kept pursuing them thorough 4 different marketing minions. And just when I was about to land the deal, another Rep swooped in and yanked the account out from under me (I actually broke ribs from the fall, it was that hard).

I do have to admit, it is hard to keep track of who’s account is who’s when you only have 15 “OFFICAL PROTECTED CLIENT LIST” posted around the offices. Suffering bodily harm from the loss of an account is fine (I do have Workman’s Compensation Insurance), especially because you expect it to be made right by your “all knowing and loving” Publisher. I am sure if you have read any other entries of mine you surmised from my thoughts that I probably suffered a concussion, along with the broken ribs.

Why would he stand up for his Reps, why would he enforce the “Rules of Engagement”, his goal is to always go against the obvious correct answer. Why would he easily tip toe across the pool with a Mai- Tai in hand, when he could dive into the “I am a retard and cannot swim end”? So… The Publisher did not stand up for me until (dun-dun-dunnn) the account was so messed up by the other Rep that she could not fix it. Then it was handed to The Bestest of Reps, to fix.

Yeah!!! I got a new account!

Delivery day!

So… remember my post about distribution? Well, yesterday was delivery day. That girl-friend I mentioned texted me a fabulous pic of her paper, lovingly nestled between her trash cans and recycling bins. Granted, we do have progress, it is not IN the trash this time. But it is very close, and knee-slappingly funny enough to post.

Negotiation? What Negotiation?

One of our clients asked for a meeting the other day. They were interested in partnering with us on a recycling project and the campaign would last 6 months.

On the morning of this fairly important meeting I am so excited that I wore a suit, something I rarely do. Are you getting that this is an important meeting? The GM gets excited too. She decides this is just the type of meeting a GM should be involved in; she wore Crocs.

I get a little nervous. It’s never good when The GM gets involved in a negotiation. She has been known to give away our pot of money.

We walk into the meeting and I am in good spirits because I know we have the upper hand. The conversation begins with The City is pitching their idea. It is really good and we could get a great deal of exposure. And that’s when it happened. The GM said “What I am thinking is 50% off of all ads, with free color, in all of our papers, for as long as you want.” I am paraphrasing, but essentially that is exactly what she said.

Lets be clear. The City had not asked for a discount, they had asked for a partnership. Our name would be on everything they did related to this recycling campaign and all they asked us for was 25% of printing costs for the billboards (there were billboards!!!). Now here I give The City a ton of credit. They responded by attempting to give her a way out of the gaffe by saying, “What about the other promotional material around town?” To which The GM responded, “We are not interested.” My jaw bounced off of the conference room table 3 times before I could stop it!

Lets recap:
1) We are getting only 50% of the advertising revenue, when we could have gotten 100%. and
2) We will not be included in any of the massive publicity all over the city for the next 6 months.

Smooth… that was wickedly smooth.

If we had charged 100% for the ads, it would have more than paid for the billboards. As we walked out of the meeting The GM remarked on how wondefully the meeting had gone. I should really pay more attention to my boss and her mad negotiation skills.

No Means No!

I slinked in the front door of the office yesterday morning, trying to lay low, head down, stepping quietly. Mondays are the worst. It usually takes me a good 15 minutes to get to my desk on any other day of the week, but on Mondays it takes a good 40. I stand with bags and files hanging off of me, blank eyes, coffee cup empty, as I listen to never ending worthless stories, until the phone finally rings, or there is another distraction and I can continue my stealthy belly-crawl to my desk.

I make it past the GM’s office door, I am home free, I lift my head, start to walk a little faster, I am almost to the hall! Then, the little troll of a GM leaps out from behind a cubical divider, scaring me half to death:

“Have you checked your email yet?”

“No. Why?” (remember, I had just walked in the door)

“Do you have any last minute election ads?”

“No. Not that I know of”

“Well, you should. Have you called everyone?”

“Yes, on Friday, I have everyone scheduled that would like to run.”

“You should call them again.”

“NO MEANS NO!” (I did not scream this, but I wanted to)

Really? You want your Reps to waste all of their valuable time re-calling clients who have already stated they do not want to run? Just a thought, but it maybe more efficient to have your Reps call clients who may still be interested in advertising. Just a thought.

Why do we Grow?

Businesses should not grow, simply for the sake of growing. Healthy businesses grow for many reasons; to take advantage of economies of scale, to eliminate competition, etc. There needs to be a reason, and a method. The Company grows for the sake of growing.

Two years ago The Company bought another thriving little newspaper group (this lovely and successful group is where I came from). Over these 2 years nothing has been integrated, NOTHING! We are still in separate offices, we still pay 2 salaries for positions such as: the GM, the Production Manager, the Editor, the Sports Editor, the Advertising Manager, the Classified Manger, etc. We still even have separate accounts at Office Depot! And guess what, the increased overhead is killing us. We cannot even afford to maintain the computer networks (take note, we do not have an IT guy, let alone a duplicate).

Why double the size of your business if you do not plan to take advantage of those wonderful perks offered to larger businesses, like cheaper cost per square foot rent? That’s right, I forgot, because we grow for the sake of growing. 

Because this new growth is threatening to swamp the ship more and more things are being cut, like coffee, and the paper routes of 400 kids who use the money to buy penny candy. I actually had a stern talking to about making a fresh pot of coffee the other day, because we need to keep office costs to a minimum. I know it is wasteful, but I just could not stand the idea of drinking day old, re-heated, cheap ass, oxidized coffee (I am actually grimacing as I write this). Coffee really is the only thing that keeps me happy at the office, and they are trying to take that away!

We cannot afford to spend $0.20 per day of fresh coffee, but we can afford to offer free ads to clients so they can put their Pot of Money on back of a bus.

Distribution

I got a call from a girlfriend the other day. Her paper is delivered on trash day, and it is no longer making it to her doorstep, instead, whoever delivers it is slam-dunking it into her trashcan!

We have a few newspapers in the group, and they are delivered in one of two ways; by neighborhood kids or by drivers. The papers the kids deliver outshine the other papers, the community loves them! On our “do not deliver list” it only lists .008% of homes! The kids do a great job, they get the paper to the doorstep, they smile and look cute, they make a little cash, and their parents love that they have a job and therefore love the paper. All-in-all a pretty kick ass PR move on our part.

So… we had to f*** it up. All of the papers are now delivered by a driver who does not care about his job, who does not smile or look cute, and who’s parents are disappointed about what a loser job he has. Oh, and we fired all 400 kids. All-in-all a pretty sad ass PR move on our part.

Pot of Money Theory

Last Friday I had a conversation with The Mentor about the “Pot of Money Theory”. Every company has a pot of money to spend on advertising. The goal of the Ad Rep is to get as much of that pot as possible.

At the end of the day I drove downtown. If you know me, you know driving downtown is a feat in and of its self. I, being the genius that I am, was also multi-tasking. When I came to the realization that I could not take notes, while driving, talking on the phone to a client, looking for a girlfriend, while lost; I pulled over. Luckily, just in time to miss getting taken out by one of the city’s many fine buses.  Three other buses come close to broadsiding me. I up the anti on multi-tasking (now that I am pulled over and all) I start to think… each one of those buses had a very expensive ad on the back of it. The ad was for an advertiser of ours, who runs weekly full-page ads with The Company, pro-bono. No trade, no tickets, no promotion at their events, pro-bono, because they cannot afford to advertise.

As my girlfriend climbs into the passenger seat I watch another pot of money drive away, dirtied by exhaust. Man, am I glad that advertiser is not in my territory.