Publisher’s gift collection

I have just calmed down enough to blog about this. A collection was taken up for the Publisher’s Christmas gift. I am fine with this; they do it every year for both Christmas and his birthday in October. What I am not fine with is a donation being a requirement. If I want to contribute to a large gift, it is great that I can. If I want to get him chocolate on my own, that should be fine. If I want to ignore his birthday, I should be allowed.

The birthday collection was slowed because the Powers That Be needed to wait until Editorial was paid. OMG! You are not only bullying these poor writers into contributing, but they are also so under paid that they cannot afford to toss in $10 until after pay day.

I surmised during these mandatory collections that a list was being kept. A list of who contributed, and how much. I think this is illegal, not positive, but pretty sure. My suspicions about a list were confirmed last October when I was approached and asked to contribute more, because the contributions were not covering the cost of the gift that was already purchased. I am not even going to address the fact that they bought a gift before they knew what the contributions were.

This pissed me off, therefore I did what any true non-confrontational employee would do; I neglected to contribute this Christmas. I was round-about-asked about it a good 15 times. I refused to budge. I give enough to this office! Just last month I paid for a birthday breakfast celebration for the entire office (with required attendance, I might add). I was not reimbursed for this.

Oh, and there is a kicker, it should have put me over this edge 11 months ago. The gift we all contributed to for the Publisher last Christmas was a poker table, that is still at the office, that the Specialty Projects Manger (better known as Kiss Ass) hosts a party for his buddies at each Thursday night, men only. I am so glad I learned to invest my hard earned dollars wisely!

2008 Totaled

This morning the Mentor and I turned in our final numbers for 2008. Between Advertising, Classifieds, Legals, and Special Publications, the company brought in over $5.7 million in 2008. $5.7 million!!! For a company of less then 40 employees!!! We are Rock Stars!

Instead of the expected “pat on the back,” we got the typical “that is not good enough” speech. We were told we still need an additional $70000 collected by the end of the year. Today is December 22nd, that is not really a possibility.

I have done the math; I have no idea where that $5.7 million could have gone, or what we could need an additional $70000 for. The Publisher has no expenses; Editorial barely makes peanuts, same with Special Publications and Production, our offices are in the most run-down parts of town, we have wicked good contracts with our printer, and our technology has only aspirations of being from this century and thus compatible with the rest of the world.

Half of the company was purchased a year and a half ago. That is where I came from. We were profitable then. Sense the purchase over $1 million has been cut in salary alone, and retail sales have increased by over 25%. Have I mentioned I have done the math?

Oh… I just figured it out! I had forgotten about a few things. The money is going to legal bills, payoffs, and spousal support. It seems like more thought would be going to covering your ass if these were the majority of your expenses. But, Publisher knows best, so I will keep it to myself.

Let me get this straight, you want to pay?

We are in the midst of “reader appreciation”. It is a blitz to increase our paid subscribers by offering a discounted rate. The Receptionist manages the subscriptions.

I was standing next to her desk last Friday when she got a phone call to renew a subscription under this limited time rate. When the Receptionist looked up the account she realized they had not paid since 2003, but they were still receiving a paper every week. Who manages subscriptions? So… whose fault is that “Miss I Manage All Subscriptions And Do Not Want Anyone Meddling In My Work”?

In true community newspaper style, the Receptionist copped an attitude. She was actually irritated at this subscriber because they wanted to PAY for their subscription! Not to beat a dead horse, but POT OF MONEY! With the economy in the shape that it is, should we not be trying to make money wherever we can, instead of giving everything away for free? I know this is a hard concept for many people, but we do live in a capitalist society, at least until January 21st.

Relevant Productivity

In my last post I mentioned a faxing project that our Assistants were working on. I have to say, they were incredibly productive. They managed to fax a promotion flier to every chamber member, in record time. The problem is, this incredible productivity has not led to one sale.
So… I propose… let us not aim for productivity alone; let us aim for relevant productivity.

Lets do a mass faxing!

Sales are a little slow at the moment, being as the economy has come to a screeching halt in the last month or so. The GM had a great idea of how to generate sales leads, “Lets do a mass faxing out of the chamber directory!” When I finally stopped laughing, I realized she was serious.

The Mentor and our Assistants are coming in an extra 2 days this week. They have already been assigned the relentless, unproductive, and time consuming task of flipping through the 80-page directory, personalizing a cover sheet for each member, and then faxing it off with a promotion flier. As if we already did not look unprofessional enough.

We have been forced into these ridiculous types of projects before. And guess what? THEY NEVER WORK! They just waste time, and we look stupid for thinking they do work. It is quite embarrassing. But there is one pro to this massive con; the Assistants are getting paid for extra hours. In these times of cutting costs, we, once again, are spending.

Hiding from collectors

I have to preface this by saying: this really happened, in this order, on this time scale. This happened about three weeks ago, take note of the date of this post.

The sales staff was having a receivables meeting. The GM goes off, “Why are these receivables so bad? People need to pay us. I do not understand why they think it is OK to use someone’s services when they do not have the money to pay for them. Bills should always come first!”

At the end of the meeting, literally as we were finishing up; the Mentor’s phone rings, she ignores it, my phone rings, I ignore it, the Assistant’s phone rings, ignore. The Mentor’s phone rings again, she gives in. “Hello?”

The Receptionist says, “Tell the GM, the Landlord is holding for her.”

The Mentor tells the GM. “Oh!” The GM scurries for a phone, calls the CFO, gets the scoop, regains her composure, and finally answers the Landlord’s call.

“Hi!” the voice is so sickenly sweat I get a massive sugar high just from being in the same room with it. It made me nauseous, if the call had not caused so much curiosity I would have made a quick trip to the little girl’s room to vanquish my breakfast. “We are sending a partial payment today for July’s rent, the second check will go out soon, to cover August’s rent and the taxes. Totaling $14000.”

OMG!!! You just got done throwing a fit, asking why people put off paying $500 bills, and we are $14000 behind in our rent! OMG! It does not get more ironical then that. Emmy winning sitcoms have had worse timing.

And another OMG: why is 2 months rent that high, and why are we paying the property taxes? Only 20 people work here! Maybe if our rent was not so astronomical we could make things a little looser around here. Maybe if our rent was not so high we could have computers that were built in this century. Oh, and why are we paying that much rent for a building in this area? Since I have been in this office we have been evacuated twice, on lock down once, a high-speed chase ended in our parking lot, and we were robbed!!! Why do you think this space is worth $14000 per year? Not to mention for 2 months!

When I mention the irony to the Mentor she looks at me like I am insane for noticing something so insignificant. Does anyone know how to apply for a job with the IRS?

IRS, here I come!

I had one of those personality tests emailed to me the other day. It was based on color preference. I know, why did no one think of that before?

I decided to take a few minutes to take the test. Just a few minutes wasted out of a day filled with scavenging for work.

“Which color do you prefer to look at, green or blue? Which color do you least prefer, orange or purple? Rate these colors in order of least to most preferred.” It had to have been the most intense and scientific test I have ever taken.

At the end of these questions I felt worn, I really put a ton of thought into my answers. My personality profile pops up; you are an Organizer.

The work environment I prefer is a large organization, with lots of structure. I look around my office; I notice the computers, printer, fax machine, all from the turn of the century. I notice the makeshift cubes we have assembled. I glance at the incredibly non-professional website we have held together with gauze and duck-tape. I think of the other employees in the office, I have already said “Hi” to 100% of them today, all 20 employees. I am in the wrong job!!!

What industries suit an Organizer? The Finance industry. Has anyone else noticed that industry has taken a bit of a downturn in the last couple weeks? Oh, good, there is another choice! I could work for the IRS! It said the IRS, specifically.

We all know the IRS is going to be doing some massive growing in the next 4 years. Thanks to the new President, I will have my dream job! His ads didn't lie. There really are unicorns riding on rainbows, and chocolate rain falling from the sky. NOT!