Hiding from collectors

I have to preface this by saying: this really happened, in this order, on this time scale. This happened about three weeks ago, take note of the date of this post.

The sales staff was having a receivables meeting. The GM goes off, “Why are these receivables so bad? People need to pay us. I do not understand why they think it is OK to use someone’s services when they do not have the money to pay for them. Bills should always come first!”

At the end of the meeting, literally as we were finishing up; the Mentor’s phone rings, she ignores it, my phone rings, I ignore it, the Assistant’s phone rings, ignore. The Mentor’s phone rings again, she gives in. “Hello?”

The Receptionist says, “Tell the GM, the Landlord is holding for her.”

The Mentor tells the GM. “Oh!” The GM scurries for a phone, calls the CFO, gets the scoop, regains her composure, and finally answers the Landlord’s call.

“Hi!” the voice is so sickenly sweat I get a massive sugar high just from being in the same room with it. It made me nauseous, if the call had not caused so much curiosity I would have made a quick trip to the little girl’s room to vanquish my breakfast. “We are sending a partial payment today for July’s rent, the second check will go out soon, to cover August’s rent and the taxes. Totaling $14000.”

OMG!!! You just got done throwing a fit, asking why people put off paying $500 bills, and we are $14000 behind in our rent! OMG! It does not get more ironical then that. Emmy winning sitcoms have had worse timing.

And another OMG: why is 2 months rent that high, and why are we paying the property taxes? Only 20 people work here! Maybe if our rent was not so astronomical we could make things a little looser around here. Maybe if our rent was not so high we could have computers that were built in this century. Oh, and why are we paying that much rent for a building in this area? Since I have been in this office we have been evacuated twice, on lock down once, a high-speed chase ended in our parking lot, and we were robbed!!! Why do you think this space is worth $14000 per year? Not to mention for 2 months!

When I mention the irony to the Mentor she looks at me like I am insane for noticing something so insignificant. Does anyone know how to apply for a job with the IRS?

IRS, here I come!

I had one of those personality tests emailed to me the other day. It was based on color preference. I know, why did no one think of that before?

I decided to take a few minutes to take the test. Just a few minutes wasted out of a day filled with scavenging for work.

“Which color do you prefer to look at, green or blue? Which color do you least prefer, orange or purple? Rate these colors in order of least to most preferred.” It had to have been the most intense and scientific test I have ever taken.

At the end of these questions I felt worn, I really put a ton of thought into my answers. My personality profile pops up; you are an Organizer.

The work environment I prefer is a large organization, with lots of structure. I look around my office; I notice the computers, printer, fax machine, all from the turn of the century. I notice the makeshift cubes we have assembled. I glance at the incredibly non-professional website we have held together with gauze and duck-tape. I think of the other employees in the office, I have already said “Hi” to 100% of them today, all 20 employees. I am in the wrong job!!!

What industries suit an Organizer? The Finance industry. Has anyone else noticed that industry has taken a bit of a downturn in the last couple weeks? Oh, good, there is another choice! I could work for the IRS! It said the IRS, specifically.

We all know the IRS is going to be doing some massive growing in the next 4 years. Thanks to the new President, I will have my dream job! His ads didn't lie. There really are unicorns riding on rainbows, and chocolate rain falling from the sky. NOT!

Whine whine whine, why do you seem cranky?

The Mentor has developed a horrible habit. She meanders into the office around 9:30 in the morning, then promptly begins to whine… and I am never sure if she is whining to me or herself.

“Mumble, mumble, mumble” in a cranky voice.
“I can’t hear you, are you talking to me?” I ask.
“Mumble, mumble, mumble.”
“What?”
“Mumble, I am just talking to myself. Have you seen that email?”
“What email?”
Silence.

“Stuff really seems to be hitting the fan around here.” She begins again.
“Like what?” I ask again.
Silence.

“Is this printer jammed?” Smack, slam, crash. In a whining voice, “Party Planner,” (he takes care of all of our IT problems plus plans all of our social gatherings.) “Will you fix this? I cannot get anything done, all I have done all day is fix things,” she snaps.
“Like what?” I ask again

“Well, Production has still not done their job. I am still waiting on blah, blah, blah...”

I lost track of what she was saying, I think I may have fallen asleep.

“Do you need to look at this before I tell Production it is ‘OK to print’?” I ask, trying to change the subject to something a little more productive.

“Does Production not know how to dummy?” she responds after thumbing through the pages.

“I didn't think it looked that bad.”

The Mentor replies to my glass half full remark, “What is wrong with you today? You seem awfully cranky.”

The New Pres.

So… Election Day was like a week ago, right? Then why will no one in my office shut up about it? Luckily, my cube is up-stairs; this means there are less people to annoy me. Only 3 out of 20 people are in close enough proximity to drive me nuts on a continues minute to minute basis. But I have to say, those 15%’ers are doing a hell of a job!

I would be fine with their incoherent, inconsistent, and uninformed opinions, if there was ever a break between them. But today alone they have all chattered on like retarded chipmunks for over two hours straight!

Instead of loudly wasting time talking about this stuff, why don’t they quietly hop on the internet and chat about this stuff?! Then I would not have to hear them, nor would the GM. (who should care that they never shut up, and therefore never work)

These are the same people that freak out when you interrupt them during their constant phone call to their Realtor, to give them work to do. They are so busy: making car pool arrangements, talking to the Realtor, to the Contractor, to their kids and wife, and everyone else in the room. “How could I possibly build you an ad when I have all of these other things to do?”

I long for the days when all they talked about was the price of gold and illegal immigration.

Running Interference

I was completely embarrassed the other day. I had been trying to get a hold of a specific client for about of week. I am notorious for phone tag, so I have learned to become diligent about calling again, and again, and again. I usually do not take offense if I do not get a call back, I figure they just missed me and decided not to leave a message. I know, do I not have the most optimistic outlook of anyone you know?! This is one of the many “skills” that make me such a rock star at sales.

I finally get a hold of this client, and gave him a little ration about not calling me back. He responds by telling me he refuses to call my office anymore because he can never just leave me a message, he has to talk with the Troll (I wish I could take credit for the GM’s nickname, but that is where it came from). He then proceeds to explain to me how much he cannot stand the GM, and that when he calls the front desk and asks for me, he is interrogated by the Receptionist, and then promptly transferred to the GM! OMG! He then goes on to tell me that when no one answers the main number, there is no way to choose an extension, you get a generic mailbox; that belongs to, you guessed it... the GM! I know, OMG!

I complimented his nickname for the GM, and then we agreed to always communicate via email.

Is this management?

Much like a typical office we have a Receptionist. And much like a typical office she is wickedly moody. Unlike a typical office, that moodiness is tolerated. Wait, tolerated in not the correct word. Accepted, ignored, and tiptoed around is.

I had a billing issue the other day and guess who takes care of billing issues? I could not understand how an issue could possibly come up; I had done everything for this account except personally inputting the data into the system. I had even spoken with the Receptionist to ensure there was no confusion.

Apparently she billed the account twice for the same thing, which is fine, mistakes happen. The problem I have is she called me and asked me what was wrong with the account. Being that I do not have access to the accounting system I reply in true corporate mediocrity, “I don’t know.” She goes straight to the GM to ask her. The GM promptly logs onto the accounting system, and after 2.5 hours discovers the mistake. The mistake is blatantly the Receptionist’s fault.

The GM, being completely cowed by the Receptionist’s moodiness, blames the problem on me. So, the Receptionist has no idea she made a mistake, making it ridiculously more likely that she will make the mistake in the future. Oh, and she thinks I am the mistake maker, and I do not make mistakes.

This happens again and again. We cannot ever tell her there was an issue. Instead we stealthily sneak around behind her back redoing all of her work. This is just one of the many ways our management ensures the highest productivity and employee growth.

Generalizations are the Mother of Wisdom

I had to the leave the office for lunch the other day. Usually, I sit at my desk and frantically eat while checking email, in hopes that I will not feel as guilty leaving early, since I “worked over lunch”.

My brain was melting after the horrific conversation I had had with the GM. By conversation I mean her spewing useless information at me, and then watching her eyes glaze over during my replies, until a sentence and a half later when she could no longer stand my voice and interrupts me to spew more irrelevant crap. We were rehashing the same issue, who’s account is who’s? We have “Rules of Engagement” but our authorities feel it is more “fair” to access each situation independently. It has become a HUGE problem. I take issue with this approach, I think it is a waste of time; there are rules for a reason.

While frantically eating in the parking lot of the fast food restaurant, I listen to Dennis Prager (a kick’n radio show host who discusses everything from religion, to gender to politics). The show I happen to podcast that day was talking about generalizations. Prager was saying something to the effect of, ‘The difference between humans and animals is simple, humans have a mind and animals have a brain, humans make generalizations and animals respond to specific events.’

The corporate world really is the animal world.